Outpost: Isil
by MusicGamer
Summary: A novelization of the machinima "Outpost: Isil" by Treeskunk Productions. I thought I'd give this a shot. Rated M for language and certain...references. Please Read and Review! After even MORE months of inactivity...Chapter 8 is UP!
1. Rekindle the Flames

**Author's Note: ...All I have to say is, this is something I've been working on. Hope y'all like it! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Outpost: Isil" or anything to do with it. Treeskunk Productions does, however.**

**Chapter 1: Rekindle the Flames**

It was mostly quiet in the interior of the human base at Outpost Valhalla. It was a relatively large complex for such a small base; one would wonder how the UNSC managed to fit it all in there. Boxes littered the area, most of them sporting an ominous-looking label that read "toxic." As a sort of inside joke amongst the UNSC Marines _not_ stationed there, the interior of the base was nicknamed "the Pit."

In the kitchen on the bottom floor of the base, Shadow was busy cooking something. Which would explain why the rest of the soldiers stationed at the base weren't anywhere _close_ to the kitchen. No doubt this was because when Shadow started cooking something, stuff in the base was either blown up, set on fire, disintegrated, used as a projectile, irradiated, or a combination of these. If one stood near the door (with a death wish) and really listened, they could hear someone talking.

"Now if I just add a little bit of that," said Shadow out loud, "a dash of that…a hint of that…and a gallon of _that._" A loud splashing sound could be heard. "Now cook at 300 degrees…" Flames shot out of the opening where the door _used _to be (it was incinerated when Shadow tried making one of his "spicy dishes"). "Then cool it off with nitrogen gas…" A hissing sound came from the kitchen. "Bam!" Shadow laughed.

"Professor Emeril would be _so_ proud of me," he said proudly. "Now to find Rico to test it out."

"Hey, Rico!" he called, running out of the kitchen. He looked around, but the Lt was nowhere in sight. "Rico?" No answer. "Hey, rock-brained sister-screwing redneck!" He thought that this insult would at least get his attention, but silence was the only reply to his words. He looked around again. "He's not here." Finally giving up on the notion that Rico would come to him, Shadow went throughout the base looking for him.

"Rico!" He called as he walked into Rico's quarters. However, he didn't seem to be here either. "That's funny. He's usually in here fondling his gun…"

He suddenly had an idea: Skippy might know where Rico went. Without hesitating, he went to the medical ward, where Skippy usually hung out (he _was,_ after all, the base's only medic).

Skippy was busy pulling up the medical records on the computer. His eyes strayed over to the list of dead as of the past week in Outpost Valhalla. He opened it for no particular reason whatsoever.

The computer paused for a few minutes to load the list (it was _really _long). Eventually it gave up and just shut down on him. It gave him an error message saying that there was "too much data."

Skippy didn't have much time to fix this, however, for Shadow came into the room at that moment.

"Hey, Skip, have you seen Rico?" he asked.

Skippy turned around. "Shadow," he said, "the only time I ever see Rico is when he's drunk off the moonshine he made from _my_ lab equipment, or when I'm patching him up because he's gone off, fucked with the Elites, and managed to get himself shot."

"So, that's a no, then."

Skippy sighed. "Why do you want to see Rico, anyways?"

"I made a new Secret Special Meal for us," Shadow told him.

There was a pause, in which Shadow and Skippy stared at each other in silence for a moment. Finally, Skippy started to leave.

"Where are you going?" Shadow asked his retreating back.

Skippy turned to face him. "To turn on the stomach pump."

"Aw, come on, Skip!" Shadow said incredulously. "My food's not _that_ bad!"

"The last time I heard you say 'Secret Special' and 'Meal' in the same sentence," Skippy reminded him, "I couldn't talk for a month, my vocal cords were so charred!"

"I warned you that it would be spicy," said Shadow, shrugging.

"Shadow, the temperature readings I got after eating it were _off the charts._"

"How high does that thermometer go?"

"I don't know. It _melted_ before I could get a solid reading."

Shadow lost patience with Skippy then. "You know what?" he said. "I don't have to take this shit from you. Besides, you just used that as an excuse to get more _drugs!_" On that note, he turned to exit the base.

As he went through the entrance/exit, he muttered, "Frickin' treehugger."

* * *

Shadow exited up through the base's entrance, going out through the back to look for Rico.

"Hey, Rico, where are you?" he called. No answer. He went around to the front of the base and looked around, but still no Rico.

"Damn Texan always wandering off," he thought aloud irritably. "One hell of a commander he i-omigod!" he finished, ducking just as a Beam Rifle shot whizzed just above his head, hitting the wall behind him.

He ducked behind cover before whoever was shooting could do so again.

"The hell was that?"

In the field in-between the two bases, a soldier in red and yellow ODST armor was carrying a flag and dodging fire from a pair of pursuing Ghosts. The Ghosts themselves were driven by two of the Elites stationed in the area – one red and one blue – and they looked furious.

Rico ran towards the base and threw the flag over the top before turning around and returning fire. The flag flew straight over the base's wall and landed in front of Shadow. Shadow stared at it for a moment.

"I'm being shot at, and then flags magically fall from the sky…" he said, slightly freaked out now. "Aw, hell, Skippy must have slipped acid into the lemonade again."

Rico fired at the Ghosts with his Assault Rifle for a bit before taking cover behind the base's wall. His sudden appearance startled Shadow, who started shooting his gun wildly in fear.

"Wait…" he said, realizing who the newcomer was and ceasing fire. "Rico?"

Rico turned to Shadow. "Oh, hey, Shadow, I didn' see ya there."

"Rico," Shadow asked nervously, "what in the ever-loving piss pot of hell is going on?"

Rico rolled his eyes. "Well, _duh_, the Elites are attackin'."

"Why are the Elites attacking?"

"Well…I killed half their garrison an' stole their flag."

"You _what?!_" Shadow said, horrified.

"What's the matter?" Rico asked, confused and slightly annoyed. "I got their flag. Don't I at least get a thank-you?"

"Thank-you?!" Shadow yelled in disbelief. "You brought the entire Elite's base down here – bent on killing us and using our spinal cords as xylophones – because you took that damn flag! _Why did you take that damn flag?!_"

"Uh…" Rico said hesitantly. _Why _did_ I take their flag?_ He thought. "I…I forgot…Wait," he added, having just remembered. "Wait, I think it was because they called my mom a slut."

"_What?!"_

"Yeah…it was either a slut or a whore, I don't remember exactly."

"Wait," Shadow said, as if to clarify a few points. "You doomed us to certain death because they called your mom a _slut_?!"

"Or a whore," Rico reminded him. "My memory's a little fuzzy."

"Oh, Rico," Shadow said angrily, "if we get through this alive, I'm gonna make sure you crap in solid loaves for the rest of your damn life!"

"Ah, quit yer bitchin'," Rico said, raising his weapon. "They're coming around the back."

"What?!" Shadow exclaimed, turning towards the back of the base. Sure enough, the Elites had found out about the opening in the back of the base, and they turned to face the humans.

"Oh, goddamn it!"

Without hesitating, Shadow and Rico charged towards the attackers, Rico firing his Assault Rifle, Shadow letting loose with both his SMG and a series of panicked shouts.

Rico ran towards one of the Ghosts and hijacked it, swinging around and kicking its former occupant, a red Elite, out of the driver's seat.

Not wanting to waste time, Rico immediately opened fire on the Elite, who tried vainly to take the human down with his plasma pistol. Eventually, the Elite gave up the attempt and retreated, running back to the Elite's base.

Meanwhile, Shadow was still shooting, but he wasn't really hitting anything. In fact, he wasn't even aiming; he just fired aimlessly while evading the plasma bolts from the Ghost.

"Oh, please don't hurt me!" he pleaded. "Oh, God, please, I'm begging you, don't shoot! Don't shoot, please, I don't wanna die, I'm just an American! Kill Rico, he's from Texas, he's not human - !" He started babbling incoherently while still randomly waving his SMG in front of him and shooting it.

The driver of this Ghost, a blue Elite, stopped for a moment to look at the pathetic scene unfolding in front of him. Rico took advantage of his distraction, ramming into the Elite and firing at him, plasma bolts shooting from the cannons on the front of the Ghost. The Elite, startled, fell out of the Ghost and fled back to the other base.

Rico gave chase to the Elite for a bit before he ran into a third one, this one colored purple and trying to snipe Rico with a Beam Rifle. Rico dismounted his Ghost, exchanging his Assault Rifle for a Battle Rifle. He aimed at the Elite through the scope before opening fire, the gun shooting three-round bursts at a time. The bullets bounced harmlessly off of the Elite's energy shield, but the shots were rapidly depleting the shield's power.

Knowing that the battle was lost, the Elite followed his fellow aliens and retreated.

Rico lowered his rifle, satisfied until he heard frenzied shouting coming from behind him. Turning around, he saw that Shadow was still in a panic, firing his SMG and shouting incomprehensibly.

"Shadow," Rico said, trying to get Shadow's attention. It didn't work; Shadow didn't seem to notice that the battle had ended.

"Shadow!" Rico repeated loudly, firing a shot at Shadow. Just like with the last Elite, the bullets ricocheted off of the energy shield, but the force of it seemed to snap Shadow out of his panic.

"Wha-?" Shadow said, finally realizing that the Elites had left. "They're gone…I'm alive. I'm alive!"

Rico chuckled. "If you count as bein' a member of the livin'."

"Go to hell, you redneck prick."

Rico, however, had other thoughts on his mind, thoughts that were more important that Shadow's insults towards him. "Hmm…"

"What? Shadow asked. "You haven't realized that you're a redneck prick that would rather screw his own cousin than have an intelligent retort?"

Rico shook his head. "No," he explained. "I'm…just wondering what's so damn important about this flag. I mean, it's just a piece of metal and cloth…Hell, it even looks like the UNSC made it. Why do they want to keep it so bad?"

"I don't know," said Shadow, shrugging. "I always figured aliens had a fetish for long, metal poles and loose, flappy things."

"We'd better get into the base before the Elites counterattack," said Rico.

"I'll do that, you just keep an eye out for them," said Shadow. "The last thing I want is to be blindsided by some gay alien looking to fulfill his carnal desire with this flag." On that note, he turned around and walked away from Rico to get the flag and bring it inside the base.

Rico stared after him for a second before walking to the front of the base. He had been thinking about the battle that just took place. Though he had managed to hold off the Elites by himself, Shadow wasn't exactly a whole lot of help. Skippy was decent when he was using Betsy, but the medic had an...unusual attraction to that thing, so he only wanted to use it as a last resort. With Rico being the only sane one so far, he wasn't sure that he would be able to repel another Elite attack by himself.

"I guess it's time to call for backup from the higher-ups," he said aloud. Then he seemed to have second thoughts about his opinion of Shadow and Skippy in battle; after all, there _was_ the fact that Skippy did seem to do really well with Betsy, and Shadow was decent with a Rocket Launcher, so they weren't _completely _inept.

"You know what? We're a competent group, we can handle a few Elites by ourselves. We don't need any – "

"Uh, Rico?" Shadow called from the entrance, interrupting Rico's train of thought. "The flag won't fit through the door, it's too tall."

Rico sighed. "Did you try putting it in tip first?"

There was a pause. "Oh!" Shadow exclaimed. "That works. Thanks, Rico!"

Rico rubbed his temples. "I'd better call Command…"

* * *

**Author's Note: Surprise! I decided to take a break from my Spriggs fic, and I thought I'd give a novelization of "Outpost: Isil" a shot (thanks a million to snake eater for the idea!). Seems to me that the two machinima series that get the least love are Spriggs and Outpost: Isil anyway.**


	2. All Hail the Leader of Nuevo Fairy Land

**Author's Note: Hi again! I just thought I'd say a couple of things about this chapter. First off, if you remember the Elites from the previous chapter, this one will follow them for a bit. Second, if you've read my novelization of Spriggs (which I _will_ update at some point, don't worry.), then you'll know about my little key for distinguishing between the different character's dialogue. For those that haven't read it, I'll post it again here:  
**"Normal font" = human dialogue  
"_Italicized font w/ quotes" = _the Elites  
_Italicized w/o quotes = _Usually a thought that's going through someone's mind (either human or Elite)  
"**Bold font"** = machines (usually Fernando)

**Alright, with that out of the way, on with the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Outpost: Isil," Treeskunk Productions does.**

**Chapter Two: All Hail the Legally and Willfully Elected Leader of Nuevo Fairy Land**

The Elites fled from the human base as quickly as they could. This was ridiculous - they shouldn't have been chased off by just a single human, it should have been the other way around! Yet this human was like a walking tank in that he was seemingly unstoppable; such a thing seemed impossible as far as the Elites knew.

The interior of the Elite's base was similar to the humans' base in that it was a lot larger than one would think from looking at the outside. Judging from the appearance, the Covenant had not changed the look of the structure, which was evidently of Forerunner origin. Two hallways on the left and right branched off from the entrance. The left hallway led to the fridge; the right one, to the rest of the base. If one entered the base and went straight ahead, they would have a clear view of the area behind it, which was essentially just one big ocean with two waterfalls that met in the middle, giving it a V shape.

The Elites entered the base and went to the main room. The red Elite, Freng, stood on the stairs; Grundar and Dundo, the grey and blue Elites (respectively), stopped in front of him.

"_Report!_" Freng said in a low, gravelly voice, still trying to catch his breath.

Grundar, however, was having an even worse time of it; his speech was interrupted in intervals as he tried to catch his breath. "_Well – it looks like – that single human – managed to take out Vexler, Galmat, Taulk, Zasa, and Commander Glenma."_

Dundo looked at Freng and Grundar in disbelief. "_Whoa,_" he said. "You _two need to work out more. We only ran about an eighth of a mile!_"

"_Aw, shove it up your ass, Dundo_," Grundar said irately. "_We're not the ones who take '_fun runs' _every morning._"

"_Enough!" _Freng said loudly, shutting the both of them up. He took a moment to catch his breath. "_Okay, we need to rejoin and take over this – "_

"_Hold on,_" Dundo said suddenly, cutting across Freng. "_Who died and made you commander?"_

"_Commander Glenma._"

"_No," _Grundar said. "W_hy are _you _in charge? I mean, we're all the same rank."_

"_I look and sound more evil than you two,_" Freng said simply. "_Plus, I'm a veteran._"

"_Yeah, Freng, and I'm a sniper vet,_" Grundar pointed out. _"And Dundo's red armor is on the way when the humans start to retake the planet."_

"_I like blue, though,_" Dundo said.

"_The point is that we're all the same rank."_

"_Oh, oh!" _Dundo said excitedly. "_I have an idea!"_

"_Meh, _that_'s a first," _Freng muttered.

"_Let's have an election!"_

"_Er...a what?"_ Freng asked. He turned to Grundar, confused.

"_It means we vote for the next leader,"_ Grundar explained.

"_Yeah!"_ said Dundo affirmatively. "_That way, it'll be fair!"_

Freng nodded. "_Alright, then, let's vote."_

"_No, no, you've got it all wrong!"_ Dundo said quickly, shaking his head. "_We first need a Constitution, to set up the way this base should be governed. Then, vote on laws and regulations, so that big business can't force special interest groups and force us to watch Canadian television._"

Freng and Grundar stared at Dundo, trying to make sense of what they just heard.

"_Is it me,_" Grundar said finally, "_or did he just lose – "_

"_He's gone completely Grunt-shit,_" said Freng bluntly.

"_Seriously, though, guys!_" Dundo said.

"_He's right,"_ Grundar conceded, turning to Freng. "_To make sure it's a fair vote, we need rules._"

"_Alright, well, let's set some up. How long can this _possibly _take?"_

* * *

_One week later…_

Freng groaned irritably. "_Now we've set up the Constitution of '_Fairy Land' – "

"New _Fairy Land,_" corrected Grundar.

"_Nuh-uh!"_ piped Dundo. "_It's _Nuevo_ Fairy Land!"_

"_Alright, whatever, let's just start this thing!"_ Freng said impatiently.

"_Okay, nominations for the Great and Mighty leader of the Elite base, of this, the first-ever Fairy-Pixie Dust election day for Nuevo Fairy Land, is now open,_" Grundar announced in a bored voice.

"_I nominate Freng!_" said Dundo without a second thought.

"_I second that nomination._"

"_I accept,_" said Freng. "_Now who else?"_

All three Elites paused, waiting for a second nomination. It was a moment before Freng realized that nobody else was going to nominate anyone.

"_What?! I'm the only one running?!"_

"_Looks like it,_" Grundar said.

"_You mean that I spent a week making up law and rules and regulations – and getting us side parking – to have me still be the only one nominated?!"_ Freng asked in furious incredulity.

"_Think of it this way, Freng,"_ Dundo said reassuringly. "_You have laid the foundation for future generations to solve power disputes peacefully. You're benefiting your future children. Please, Freng, think of the children,_" he added in a sort of odd pleading voice.

Freng looked livid. "_Dundo, Grundar,_" he said angrily. "_Now that _I _am leader, I'm going to shove your heads so far up your – "_

"_You're not the leader yet,_" Dundo said, interrupting Freng again.

"_What?!"_

"_Yeah, we still have to vote,_" Grundar pointed out.

"_I'm running unopposed here!" _

"_Article Fourteen, Subsection B clearly states that – "_

Freng groaned. "_Then let's get the goddamn fucking vote on!"  
_

"_Noo," _Dundo said in an annoying voice. "_We need a voting booth first!_"

"_Who _cares_ about a voting booth? Use the freakin' urinal!"_ Freng said, flying off the handle. "_There's only two of us, and I'm the only candidate!"_

"_I need some privacy to deliberate over my choices,_" Dundo said humbly.

* * *

_One day later…_

Grundar took the last vote out of the box and looked at the name on it: "Freng."

"_Alright, the results are in,"_ he said, "_and it looks like, yes, Freng is our new leader, two votes to none._"

Freng _should_ have been satisfied that this whole ridiculous voting thing was over, but something didn't seem to click. "_Wait,_" he said. "_There's…"_ He paused to count the number of Elites present. "…_three here, three of us here! Who didn't vote?"_

"_I voted for Freng,"_ Grundar said, immediately ruling him out.

"_I obviously voted for myself…that means…Dundo!_" Freng turned to Dundo, an annoyed look on his face.

"_What?"_ Dundo said innocently. "_I didn't feel right voting for someone I knew too well._"

That did it. Freng glared at Dundo as he walked towards him.

"_Freng…don't look at me that way," _Dundo said. His expression turned to one of fear as he eyed the Covenant Carbine that Freng had just taken out. "_Freng…put the Carbine down…please?_"

Without hesitating, Freng started to beat every inch of Dundo that he could see, alternating between shooting and hitting him.

"_You know me now, huh? You know me too much _now?!_ Nuevo Fairy _this!"

"_No! Hey, stop that!" _Dundo pleaded, yelling in pain as Freng vented his anger and frustration on him.

"_Stop moving, I'm trying to break your ribs! And don't you stop squirming! You want me to rip those arms off?!"_

Grundar rubbed his temples. This was going to be a _really_ long day.

* * *

**Author's note: ...All I can say is, R&R please!**

**Oh, and yes, I _will_ update my Spriggs fic at some point. My schedule's just a little...hectic. Again. **


	3. Scotland the Very Brave

**Alright, here's the third chapter of "Outpost: Isil." Sorry I haven't updated in a while. This is partly because I'm a procrastinator (hence the lack of updates in my Spriggs fic), partly because I've got my AP US History exam coming up on May 8th, so now I'm just busy as hell. Though I get the feeling that the former reason is gonna come back and bite me in the ass later. Oh well.**

**At any rate, here ya go!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Outpost: Isil," Treeskunk Productions does.**

**Chapter 3: Scotland the Very Brave**

All was quiet at first in the valley of Outpost Valhalla. Ironically, it seemed almost peaceful. If the place wasn't a practical warzone, one might be inclined to relax near the stream flowing lazily through the middle of the valley.

A Warthog drove right across the river with a _splash_. It stopped near a large boulder, and a man in red and yellow armor stepped out of the driver's seat. The armor he was wearing was a Mark V Mjollnir permutation, which meant he was probably part of the Engineering Corps.

He looked at the base he was heading to. _Looks kind of small,_ he thought, though he attributed this to the fact that he was still some distance away from the base.

"Fernando?" he said in a Scottish/Welsh accent, still looking at the base. "How long did you say it's been since this base requested new soldiers?"

One might wonder initially who he was talking to - until the Warthog apparently started to talk. It looked like this particular Warthog came with its own Smart AI unit.

"**Bitch, why you askin' me again?"** the AI, Fernando, said in what was apparently a "gangsta" tone. "**What do I look like, a notepad? Shit, that was my great-great-grandad. I am an evolved Artificial 'Gangsta' Intelligence!"**

"Listen, dipshit," the mechanic said, turning to the Warthog with an annoyed expression. "Just tell me the stupid answer!"

"**Fine. Five fuckin' years. You happy, honky?"**

"Five years?" the mechanic repeated. He thought for a moment, turning away from the Warthog again. "That's when the first drops to liberate Isil came, wasn't it?"

"**Wigga, I say it again: Do I _look _like a notepad?"** said Fernando, repeating his earlier inquiry. "**Do I have a stylus? Am I fashionably portable and easy to carry? Do I have an IQ less than Paris Hilton on her 'good' days?"**

The engineer turned back to the Warthog exasperatedly. "You are the most belligerent AI I have _ever_ had the misfortune to work with," he said.

"**The feeling's mutual!**" Fernando retorted fiercely. As the mechanic got back into the Warthog, however, the AI asked, "**What does...'belligerent' mean again?"**

After a minute or two, the mechanic arrived at his destination: the human base at Outpost Valhalla. He got out of the Warthog and examined the building.

_Even from up close, the place doesn't look like much,_ he thought, frowning at the apparently diminutive structure. Then he noticed that someone was standing near the entrance with his back turned to him. The engineer figured that since he was new, he might as well talk to someone and familiarize himself with the base's inhabitants.

With this thought in mind, he walked up to the soldier and stopped almost right behind him.

"Excuse me - " he began after a moment.

"_OH, GOD, NO!"_ the soldier yelled, whirling around and firing his weapon randomly in front of him. The engineer ducked, arms over his head, so that the bullets didn't hit him.

"Is this a bad time?!" the mechanic asked nervously from under his arms after Shadow stopped shooting.

"Don't..._ever_...sneak up on me like that again, Rico!" Shadow said loudly. He looked at the mechanic more closely. "Wait...you're not Rico..." He moved forward, pointing his SMG at the Scot with shaking hands.

"Stop right there!" he said nervously. "Identif-fy yourself!"

"I'm Corporal William Viper of the 32nd Engineers," the mechanic, Viper, said, getting up and lowering his arms. "I was reassigned to this post and told to speak to a Captain...Enders, is it?"

"Oh...." Shadow said hesitantly, clearing his throat. "Sorry to tell you this, but...he's been dead for a while."

Viper was put off slightly but rallied quickly. "Lieutenant Greeson?"

"Dead," Shadow answered promptly. "Plasma grenade got stuck to his helmet."

Viper stared. "Elites are _that_ ferocious?"

"Oh, no." Shadow laughed. "We were playing piñata in the armory to celebrate his birthday, and he landed in a crate of plasma nades...I tell you, that was a mess."

"Lieutenant Jacobs?" Viper asked with a feeling of foreboding.

"Sword accident. Plasma sword fell down, activated, bounced up, and cut his head right in two."

"Let me guess: Lieutenant Hernando Rico is dead, too?"

Shadow hesitated. "Well...unfortunately, he's..."

"I'm alive an' kickin'," a voice said behind them. Viper and Shadow turned to look and saw Rico walking out of the base towards them.

"Good to meet ya, son," said Rico. "Second Lieutenant Hernando Rico of Outpost Valhalla. You must be the new guy that the battalion sent us." He held out a hand.

"Yes, sir," said Viper, taking Rico's hand and shaking it.

"Excellent." Rico smiled, satisfied. "I see you also brought a fully equipped Warthog. What action did you see before this, Corporal Viper?"

"Uh, action, sir?" Viper asked, apparently confused.

"Combat. Where have you seen combat?"

Viper's face lit with comprehension. "Oh, uh, I haven't seen combat, sir."

"You wha?"

"Yes, sir." Viper nodded. "I'm a mechanic. I build and maintain things, I don't fight."

Rico and Viper stared at each other for a moment. The mechanic had a sneaking suspicion that he had said the wrong thing.

His suspicion was quickly confirmed; after a moment, Rico started hitting the wall and yelling, "Goddamn son of a _bitch!_"

"What's he-?" Viper asked, watching the spectacle before him with a bewildered expression.

"Don't worry," Shadow answered. "That's the way he shows grief."

As if to emphasize this point, they could hear Rico shouting in the background, "What the _fuck_ did I do?!"

"I'd hate to see anger," Viper said.

"What did I do to you, God?! _What?!_"

"If you do, run," Shadow warned seriously.

"Excuse me?" said Viper, looking at Shadow and certain that he had misheard.

"Run," Shadow repeated. "Or you may not live much longer after you see it, trust me."

Finally, Rico managed to calm down enough to stop hitting the wall of the base, though the Lieutenant was still slightly breathless.

"Okay, okay. 'Least we have a Warthog and a driver."

"Uh, I can't drive, sir," Viper told him.

"You wha?"

"Yes, sir. I never learned how. I can fix 'em, just never got around to figuring out how to drive 'em."

Rico was about to start exhibiting grief again, but something didn't click with what Viper just said.

"Then how'd you get here?"

"**I can drive myself, pig fucker,"** said Fernando, finally deciding to speak.

Rico started and stared at the Warthog with a confused expression on his face. "What...did the car just ta - did the car just call me a _pig fucker?!_"

"**You bet, Cletus. Now go back to pickin' the fields.**"

Rico aimed his Battle Rifle at the Warthog angrily. "I oughta blow your tiny ass into - !"

"Whoa, Rico!" said Shadow urgently, stopping the Texan before he could make good on his threat. "I'd look before I point. That thing has a _really_ big gun."

"**Yeah, that's what all da hoes say,**" Fernando said smugly, pointing said gun at Rico. "**You _know_ they be diggin' _my_ man cannon! And, if you don't back up, you'll be feelin' it's heat."**

"Calm down, sir," Viper said. "Fernando is the 'Hog's AI. He's a little bit of an...urban dick."

"**Oh, that's what you call it now,"** said Fernando contemptibly. "**I've gone from bein' a color to a neighborhood type.**"

"What?" Shadow asked, somewhat incredulously. "You don't like being called 'green?'"

"**Don't make me put rounds in your pale ass, whitey!"**

Rico hesitated for a moment, then he lowered his own rifle, though he was still glowering at the Warthog.

"Fernando's seen a lot of combat," Viper explained. "And, according to his handlers, he's indispensable to combat zones. But, lately he's been showing signs of...well, you can see what I mean. So they assigned me with him here. I think it's because it's a remote and quiet location."

"Quiet? _Ha!_" Shadow scoffed.

"What?"

Rico sighed. "Let me explain. You see - "

Whatever he was going to say, however, was lost, for someone's bored voice came in over the comm..

"Banshee's back," the voice said.

Since it was broadcast on all human frequencies at Outpost Valhalla, Viper heard it, too. He frowned.

"Did I just hear - ?"

"Hold on a second, Viper, I need to handle this," said Rico. Shadow quickly moved up next to him.

"Rockets."

"Ready and loaded," Shadow confirmed, taking out a Rocket Launcher.

"Acquire target," Rico said.

"Bastard's in the sights..."

Viper followed their gaze to see what they were aiming at and noticed a Banshee flying towards the base. He looked back and forth between Shadow and the Banshee, and he thought he knew what they were going to do (though, judging from what he'd heard about the place beforehand, he didn't think they were actually going to do it).

"Fire!" Rico ordered.

Shadow promptly fired a rocket at the Banshee. It flew right past the vehicle, but it came close to hitting it. Regardless, the Banshee continued on unperturbed, as if its pilot didn't even notice that there were humans firing at him.

Shadow fired again and missed, but just like the first time, it was close. Viper watched them attack the Banshee; he had a feeling that they weren't actually _trying _to hit it, but they were just trying to scare it off.

If this was the case, it was a plan that seemed to be working: After the second rocket, the Banshee turned right around and flew back to the Elites' base. Shadow reloaded the Launcher and fired again, as if to dissuade the attacker from coming back.

When the banshee finally disappeared from view, Viper spluttered for a moment. This didn't make sense; he wasn't told that the humans and the Elites here were in the middle of a war. He just figured that they needed a mechanic.

"Wasn't this planet secured?!" he finally asked in disbelief.

"Five years ago," Shadow said, turning to the mechanic. "We _heard_."

"Every time we tell Command about our problems, they laugh at us and tell us the same thing," Rico said.

"I-I just walked into a war zone!" Viper said incredulously.

"We're gonna need you to fight if we're gonna get out of this alive."

"But...but I'm a mechanic!" Viper reminded them.

"And I'm a cook," piped in Shadow. "Two days ago, I could barely throw a grenade, let alone fire a Rocket Launcher."

"We're gonna need your help to beat 'em," Rico told the engineer. "You gonna help us, Viper, or are you gonna run?"

Viper stuttered for a moment in indecision. "I...I..."

"**He's got too big a snatch to help out!"** Fernando said mockingly.

Viper's face hardened. "Is that so?" he asked quietly. "Well, fuck off, ya pile o' rust. I'm gonan go do it."

"**You'll be bawlin' your eyes out like a _punk_ within the first minutes of battle,"** Fernando scoffed. "**You _know_ you can't throw down like a true gansta!"**

But it seemed that Viper had had enough of Fernando's insults. "Sit down," he said fiercely. "Shut up, and watch me." He turned to Rico, a fierce look in his eyes. "Lieutenant, Corporal Viper reporting for duty, sir!"

"Alright, then," Rico said, satisfied. "Let's get started."

"**Yeah, like a bunch o' _bitches_."**

* * *

**AN: And there you go! Chapter 3 of TreeSkunk Productions' "Outpost: Isil" series. Please R&R!**


	4. Close Encounters of the Violent Kind

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Outpost: Isil." Treeskunk Productions does.**

**Chapter 4: Close Encounters of the Violent Kind**

Later that day, Rico, Shadow, and Viper met near the back of the base next to the Warthog. It was time to start Viper's training.

"Alright, Viper," said Rico. "It's time to turn you into a hard-chargin', heart-breakin', life-takin' devil dog. Just like me."

"Wait…" said Shadow skeptically. "Was that…are you calling yourself _that_, Rico? Because that is total bullsh-"

Before he could finish, Rico hit him with the butt of his rifle.

"YEOW!" Shadow yelled in pain. "Jesus H. Christ, man, what was that for?!"

"Insubordination," said Rico simply.

"Insu-whata?" Shadow said, apparently not understanding. "Rico…you're making up words again, aren't you?"

"What? No I'm not!"

"Oh, yes you are. Like those other words: Bogus, rudimentary, and that one, that...inter…something…" Shadow had to struggle to remember the last word.

"Staphylococcal Enteritis? I told you, it's food poisoning."

"No. 'Food poisoning' is food poisoning. Shafa-la-whatever, is something that you pulled out of your ass."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Elite base, Freng was admiring the armor that he was wearing now. He had changed from his dull red armor to a shiny, gold-colored one. He admired the color in the mirror that he found somewhere (he figured that the humans had thrown it away or something.).

He heard footsteps behind him, followed by Grundar's voice.

"_Yo, Freng," _Grundar said. "_Sorry to disrupt you, but those humans drove me off again, and I figured it would be best to keep our last Banshee-whoa!" _His mandibles fell open in awe at the armor for a second. "_Nice armor! Wait…isn't that the Commander's?"_

"_Of course_," Freng said, turning to Grundar. "_I think he'd want his legacy as a great warrior passed down through his armor, that he slew so many foes while wearing. And I'm honored to continue that tradition of badassery – er,_" he amended himself quickly. "_I mean…great leadership in battle, while wearing this sacred armor._"

"_And it's so shiny!"_

"_Isn't it, though?"_

* * *

After a while, Shadow's and Rico's argument died out, and Viper decided to get back to the matter at hand.

"So, what's the plan, Rico?" he asked.

"Yeah, what's the plan, Rico?" said Shadow, echoing Viper's inquiry with a hint of sarcasm. "I mean, other than making up words so as to create a flimsy, fragile frowndation to injure my person more. I can make up big words, too!"

"The plan," said Rico, "is to get the training tapes from our hiding place."

"Aw, damn…"

Viper didn't seem to understand why Shadow was so upset. "Well, let's get going, then."

"Well…" Rico said slowly. "There's, ah...there's a bit of a problem."

"Our boy wonder Rico here hid them close to the Elite base," Shadow explained, glancing at Rico somewhat disdainfully. "And, as weak as they are, they can still overpower us, especially with that Banshee of theirs."

"Well, why not bring Fernando along?" Viper suggested, indicating the Warthog he had brought with him. "He's a fast means of transportation, and he's equipped with a heavy anti-aircraft cannon."

"Well," Rico said, "I don't know how to drive, _you _don't know how to drive, and Fernando…well, we can't really go inputting GPS coordinates into his memory. I mean, what if he was captured by the enemy? They'd know where everything was kept: secret hiding spots, secret entrances, the code to my secret stash…"

"I can drive," piped Shadow.

"Wait…you can what?" asked Viper.

"I can drive. Seriously!"

Rico seemed doubtful. "Shadow, you can hardly handle a _toaster_ without making it explode, how the hell do you know how to drive?"

"I used to race before the war."

"You? Race?" said Viper skeptically. "Like what? Electric whisks?"

"Ha ha. No, I raced in the NASCAR Pro Circuit, car number 168. Sponsored by 'Hog,' 'Aerotech Industries,' and 'Turkish Delight Ski & Bike Rentals.'"

After a moment, Rico said, "You know what? I believe you."

"How can you believe that crap?" Viper asked.

"It's _way_ too creative for Shadow's tiny brain to come up with."

* * *

"…_and that," _Freng finished, "_is how I got rid of my crabs._"

"_That…was incredibly disgusting, and yet…informative,_" Grundar observed, before remembering why he had gone to see Freng in the first place. "_Oh! That reminds me…Could you unlock the door to the kitchen, Freng? I'm _really_ hungry, man." _As if to reinforce that point, Grundar's stomach chose that moment to rumble loudly.

"_I can't,_" Freng told him. "_Dundo's loading in the carcasses from last week's debacle."_

"_Well…then I'll just get some leftovers."_

"_Grundar, we ran out of food over three years ago. You know all we have left is in the fridge where Dundo is working."_

"_What about the Grunts?" _Grundar asked, frowning. "_I thought we had leftover Grunt."_

"_Commander blew those magnificent fuckers sky-high," _said Freng reminiscently, "_after they stole his cake recipe._"

"_Oh, yeah._" Grundar sighed. _"Now we'll _never_ know what was in the Commander's award-winning cake recipe._" Talking about the Commander, however, brought home a sudden thought. "_Wait…what _did_ happen to the Commander's body?"_

"_We burned him,_" Freng said simply. "_It was his final request._"

"_I was wondering where those bodies went!"_

"_Oh, no, no, we just burned the _Commander's _body."_

"_What about the _other_ bodies, then?"_

"_What do you think Dundo's loading into the fridge?"_

* * *

Shadow, Rico, and Viper quickly arrived at the Lieutenant's hiding place. Shadow stopped the Warthog a few feet away from what looked like a crashed Pelican. Viper didn't understand why they were stopping here; this didn't seem like a very good place to hide things.

"Here it is," Rico announced to the group, getting out of the Warthog and going into the Pelican to search for the tapes.

"Here what is?" Viper asked, getting out of the passenger's seat and standing guard with Shadow while Rico searched the place. "A crashed Pelican?"

"This is where Rico hides the tapes," Shadow informed him.

"Why did you keep them out here?"

"We had two years of semi-informal truces between us and the Covies. Neither of us had enough strength to really do any damage...and both sides liked living."

"So, we decided to use this place to stash stuff we might need in the future but didn't need at the time," Rico said from inside the Pelican. "We couldn't risk any active-camo'd Elites coming into the base and taking anything important while we weren't looking."

"But still…" Viper said. "Wouldn't a _safe_ be a better place to keep that kind of thing?"

"That's the other thing…" Shadow said slowly. "Rico decided to take some target practice, and at the same time, judge the power of our rockets."

"I gotta hand it to those safe makers," Rico said, grunting as he moved stuff out of the way. "Took me about three rockets to get through that damn thing."

* * *

"_Well, if I can't get any food, then…what am I gonna do?"_Grundar asked.

Freng thought for a moment. "_How about you scout the humans for for me? I saw a human vehicle come through the pass earlier today."_

"_Meh. Sounds good to me," _Grundar said, shrugging. "_After all, it's a great test for my…magnificent talent." _He brandished the Beam Rifle he was holding to indicate what kind of talent he was talking about.

"_Don't go off showboating your sniper skills by missing more humans,_" Freng warned. "_Just lay low and scout them for me!_"

"_Shit, laying low is my middle name,_" Grundar said smoothly.

"_I thought it was Clarence,_" Freng pointed out.

"_Shut up!"_ Grundar whispered urgently, quickly looking left and right to check that nobody else was listening. "_I told you never to say that in public!_"

* * *

After a few minutes, Rico came out of the base empty-handed.

"Viper, Shadow," he said. "The tapes aren't here. They must have been moved around or something."

"That…or you forgot where you put them again," Shadow pointed out.

"The first three times were a fluke, remember? I even _told_ you I was hidin' them in the Pelican this time!"

"So, we should spread out and start looking for clues?" Viper suggested.

"Good idea," Rico agreed, nodding. "I'll mark the area with a small regenerator. You look over by the cave, I'll keep looking around here, and Shadow'll check the smaller cave."

"Gotcha, sir."

"Why do you keep calling him 'sir'?" Shadow asked.

"Well, I mean...he's an officer," Viper said simply. "Aren't you supposed to call officers 'sir?'"

"He's barely an officer!" Shadow said loudly. "He got a battlefield commission to Second Lieutenant when we started running out of officers!"

Rico, however, would have none of that. "Shadow, you _will_ respect my authority or I will have you court-marshaled for disobedience."

"See?! Making up words again!"

Rico sighed. "Shadow, just do your Goddamn job, will you?"

Shadow groaned exasperatedly. "_Fine._" As he walked off, Viper could have sworn he heard Shadow mutter, "Goddamn stupid Rico. I swear to God, I'm gonna shove so much cyanide…" The rest was too soft for him to hear. Pausing a bit to think about how far into hell this valley had gone, Viper headed towards the caverns that Rico had pointed out.

Grundar, however, happened to be heading in the opposite direction, and as he was going to scout the humans like Freng said, he and Viper passed by each other for a second.

Both of them stopped, turned around, and stared at each other for a second. It took them a minute to process the situation.

Then, with a loud yell, both of them started firing at each other, each shot from both parties missing their marks. The magazine in Viper's shotgun ran empty just as Grundar's Beam Rifle overheated. Viper reloaded the gun while Grundar waited for his rifle to cool down. Then the latter retreated, with the human giving chase. Both of them were still firing at each other, but they still didn't manage to hit each other.

Viper ran around a large rock in pursuit of the Elites…and stopped once he saw what was on the other side of it. Standing a few feet in front of him was the Elite, and he seemed to have found some help. Dundo stood on the right with a Needler, Grundar on the left with his Beam Rifle, and Freng was in the middle, holding an energy sword.

"Oh…oh crap," Viper said anxiously. "Um…parlay?"

"_More like par…um…dead!" _Dundo said, taking a stab at toughness.

Freng groaned. "_Dundo_, _shut up and let the grownups talk."_

"_But I'm older than you!"_

Freng ignored him. "_Human, surrender and tell us your base's secrets, and we might make your death quick."_

"What's the other option I have?" Viper asked.

"_I let Grundar here have his way with you,_" Freng answered, indicating the Elite that Viper had been chasing.

Both Grundar and Viper looked revolted. "Aw, God, man, that's disgusting," Viper said.

"_Freng!"_ Grundar muttered through clenched teeth. "_I thought we agreed you'd say I'd torture him to death, not – gah, you are one hell of a _douche_!" _He was distracted, however, by a sort of humming sound coming from one of the rock outcroppings nearby.

"_What is that?" _he asked, looking at the rocks. Right over the top, a Warthog flew straight at Grundar.

"Yee-haw!" Rico shouted in exhilaration.

"_Aw, mother of – " _said Grundar, right before the Warthog fell right on top of him, killing him.

Rico didn't waste any time; once they landed, he pointed the turret at the remaining Elites and opened fire.

"Alright, who's first to mess with Lieutenant Hernando Rico, huh?" he yelled as he fired at the Elites. "What about you, Goldilocks, you want some?! Bring it on! I got plenty here for all of ya!"

Freng and Dundo practically tap-danced around the bullets and retreated, trying not to get hit.

"Viper, what are you waiting for? A handwritten invitation?" Shadow yelled at Viper as Rico shot at the Elites. "Get in!"

Viper didn't hesitate to comply; he turned around and quickly jumped into the passenger seat of the Warthog. He then faced the Elites and started shooting at them again as Shadow turned the Warthog around and drove back to the base.

_Just another day at Outpost: Valhalla_, he thought.

* * *

**A/N: Well, there you have it! Chapter 4 of Outpost: Isil. Read and Review, please!**


	5. L'Excursion Grande

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Outpost: Isil." Y'all know who does by now.**

**Chapter 5: L'Excursion Grande**

After a few minutes, Shadow stopped the Warthog at the human base. Waiting for them was none other than Skippy.

Skippy stared at the arrivals. "Did you fuck with the Elites again?" he asked.

"Aw, man, Skippy, it was so _awesome!_" Rico said excitedly. Evidently, the adrenaline hadn't worn off yet. "First, Viper went in all like, 'Aaaah!' And then the Elites were like, 'heh heh heh,' and then me and Shadow came in like, '_YAAAAGH!' _and then - "

Shadow stopped him before he could say anything else. "Holy mother of Buddha," he said, bewildered. "What the hell are you on, Rico?"

"Sorry," Rico apologized. "I'm just so excited that Viper got his first taste of action, and now...well, he did."

"Sir," Viper said, turning to his CO. "I had basic combat training."

"Aw, isn't he cute when he's trying to be modest?" Rico said endearingly.

"What the hell...?" Viper said perplexedly. He turned to Shadow for an explanation.

"Hey, don't ask me, man." Shadow held up his hands in denial. "I think he finally lost it."

"Well, I'm glad that you took the new guy on his first step toward being a killing machine," said Skippy, "but protocol still stands: I need to give him a physical first before he goes off on any more _adventures _with you."

"Okay, fine," said Rico. "But I'm gonna need Shadow to stay up here with me, in case the Elites come back."

"To hell with that, Rico!" Shadow said, getting out of the Warthog and turning to the Lieutenant. "You want to eat dinner tonight, _right_?"

"Well, yeah, but - "

Shadow cut across Rico again. "_Then,_ I need to get it started."

"Fine!" Rico yelled, annoyed. "Just leave me up here to die! See if I care!"

"Okay," said Viper, walking into the base.

"Fine by me," said Shadow.

"I always say good riddance to bad rubbish," said Skippy as he followed Shadow and Viper into the base.

Inside, Shadow went off to some other part of the base, cooking utensils already in the hand that wasn't holding a gun. Viper marveled at the unusually large size of the base's interior while Skippy started to walk back to the medical ward.

"Strange..." Viper said. "From the outside, you wouldn't guess that there was so much UNSC standard material in it."

"Took us almost a year to set everything up," said Skippy, stopping and turning around to face Viper. "It was an abandoned alien structure when we found it."

"Covenant?"

"Nope. Alien."

"So who built it?" Viper asked.

"We don't know," said Skippy. "But Covies excavated it during their occupation. The place was stripped when we originally landed. We used anything and everything we had to make this place home. Hence, you'll be seeing a lot of generally rigged stuff. Come on, I'll show you around."

Skippy walked off towards where Shadow went, Viper following close behind.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Elite base, Freng and Dundo had just finished getting Grundar's body into the base. Freng stared at it for a moment, thinking about their current circumstances.

"_Well,_" he said. "_Now we're outnumbered, outgunned, and outclassed. We're _fucked."

"_Don't say that, Freng!" _Dundo said reassuringly. "_We can do it!"_

"_Whoa," _Freng said nervously, backing away from Dundo a little bit. "_Now...you know our policy: Don't ask, don't tell. And I respect your lifestyle choices, whatever they might be. But, let me tell you right now...I do _not_ swing that - "_

"_No, no, no_," Dundo said quickly. "_I mean, beat the humans. We're now the scruffy underdogs, and the scruffy underdogs always come back in the end!"_

Freng stared. "_You've been watching human broadcasts again, haven't you?"_

"_The point is,_" Dundo pressed on, "_there's always hope!"_

"_Yeah, well, you keep on hoping down here," _Freng said, turning away from Dundo. "_I'm going to see if there are any radio beacons left, and see if I can't find any more survivors on the planet."_

"That's_ thinking with your head,"_ Dundo pointed out. "_See? You aren't giving up hope."_

"_I'm down to my last resort," _Freng explained. "_You're lucky I still need you. Otherwise, your face would be all over that wall."_

On that note, Freng went off to find the radio beacons (or at least, any beacons that the human commander hadn't already destroyed).

"_Don't give up the fight, Freng!"_ Dundo called. He stared after him for a moment. _"Wow. What an inspirational leader._"

* * *

Skippy and Viper eventually stopped outside a badly burned door.

"Hey, come back here!" Shadow's voice echoed through the doorway.

"What the hell is this place?" Viper asked.

"This is Shadow's 'kitchen,'" answered Skippy.

From the kitchen, Viper could hear gunshots and sounds of a struggle, two sounds that he didn't think were normal in a kitchen.

"What's he doing in there?"

"Making dinner."

"HA!" Shadow's voice yelled triumphantly. "_Now_ you're gonna get it!" He started laughing maniacally as he shot rockets at whatever he was trying to kill, the projectiles flying straight out the doorway.

"_That's_ cooking?!" Viper asked, bewildered.

"No, that's killing the main course," Skippy replied, acting as if this was the most normal thing in the world.

"You're joking, right?"

"Nope. Now you know why I'm a vegetarian: he doesn't have to chase down plants on good days."

"Good days?" Viper asked. "You mean he - ?"

"It's best if you don't ask too many questions about Shadow's cooking," said Skippy, cutting across Viper before he could finish his question. "I just brought you here to show you how - "

He paused as they saw flames shooting out of the doorway to the kitchen. Shadow was still laughing like a madman.

" - dangerous the kitchen is," Skippy finished. "Whenever possible, go around it."

"Duly noted," said Viper.

"Good. Now, come on. Next, I'll show you Rico's room." Skippy led Viper to another part of the base, leaving a cackling Shadow to his own devices.

* * *

The Elites' fridge at their base wouldn't be described as "normal," even by other Elites' standards. Instead of normal foodstuffs, the fridge was littered with the bodies of the Elites that had died at the hands of Rico, most of them half-eaten and barely recognizable by now. Only one body seemed to remain intact, however.

Suddenly, that same body stirred, groaning. Voldack got up slowly, putting a hand to his head as it throbbed painfully. He took a moment to register his surroundings.

_Wait, where am I?_ he said, looking around. His eyes fell on three objects that somewhat resembled certain familiar-looking Elites. _And why are Taulk, Zasa, and Galmat split in half?_

He thought for a moment. _Wait, was I dead?_ He tried to remember what had happened before he went unconscious. He could recall taunting that ugly, retarded-sounding human & insulting his mother, and...

Oh, yeah. Plasma grenade stuck to his face. That explained the splitting headache. He put a hand to his head again as another stab of pain shot through his skull.

_But I'm not dead? _He wondered how he had managed to escape such certain death; normally, a plasma grenade stuck _anywhere_ killed the victim upon detonation, so how he survived a plasma grenade to the head would be anyone's guess.

_Wait...is this the end of the Great Journey?_

This idea was soon dashed when he heard whistling. He turned to look for the source of the noise and saw Dundo walking down the stairs. Dundo stopped about halfway down the stairway, looking at Voldack with an amazed expression.

"_Mother of Forerunner..."_ he said in wonder.

"_Oh, it's you, Dundo,_" said Voldack aloud, relieved. _"I thought I was really dead for a second the-"_

However, before he could continue, Dundo started panicking, backing away and wildly firing his plasma pistol in his general direction.

"_ZOMBIE!"_ he yelled fearfully. "_Get away from me, you zombie bastard!_"

Voldack groaned as the plasma shots missed him entirely. "_Of all the Elites to survive..."_

* * *

Skippy and Viper looked up at the hole in the wall they had just arrived at. A grav lift set up beneath it served as a replacement for the ladder that was destroyed in one of Shadow's many cooking accidents.

"Up there is Rico's room," Skippy told the mechanic. "As a rule, we never go up there."

"Because it's the commanding officer's quarters?" Viper asked.

"Um, no...because it's _Rico's _room."

"So?" Viper turned to Skippy, confused.

"Have you met the guy?" Skippy asked.

"So he's a little off his rocker," Viper said, shrugging. "But that doesn't mean anything about his room."

"Hold that thought." Skippy turned towards Rico's room and started counting down from twelve. "12, 11, 10 - "

Viper had a bad feeling about this. "Wait, what are you doing?"

" - 6, 5, 4 - "

"Are you listening to me?"

" - 2, 1."

Right as Skippy said "one," the floor shook as an explosion sounded from Rico's room. Viper lost his balance and fell over; Skippy remained standing somehow.

Viper looked up from the floor, shocked. "What the hell did - ?!"

"Moonshine."

"Excuse me?!"

"Moonshine did that," Skippy explained. "It's a daily thing. Rico rigs some C12 to the tops of the barrels to even the flavor, so it makes 'em smoother going down."

Viper stared. "He's totally - "

Skippy finished his sentence for him. "Nuts, insane, wacko, off his rocker, lost it, gone bonkers, a menace to society and a damn good tailor?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

They started walking towards Viper's room when a thought came to him.

"Hold on...he's a tailor?"

"Made his sister-in-law's wedding dress in two days. It was on the cover of _Bridal Weekly_."

"Was that _before _or _after_ he started making moonshine with explosives?"

* * *

Voldack paused a bit to try and get the facts (according to Dundo) straight.

"_So, it's just us three left, huh?_" he asked.

"_Yeah," _said Dundo, nodding grimly before brightening suddenly. "_But at least we have our medical chief back!_"

"_Dundo, I barely knew the first thing about medicine. Remember? I was appointed by Glenma."_

Dundo ignored him. _"It's so great to finally have a real medical professional. Now we don't have to let anyone else just die!_"

"_You _let_ Grundar die?!"_ Voldack asked, horrified. He walked up to Grundar's body to check for a pulse.

"_What? I don't know how to help someone who's had a ten-ton anvil fall on them!"_ Dundo said defensively. "_And then Freng kept saying, _'We always need more food supplies.'"

"_He's not dead."_

"_What?"_

"_He's not dead, just in a coma,_" Voldack told him. He gestured to Dundo to help him pick up Grundar to take him to the medical ward. Dundo hurried over to help, lifting Grundar's legs while Voldack got his head. "_Come on, I need to get him into - "_

He was stopped, however, by a groan coming from somewhere in front of him. He looked down for the source of the voice and was amazed to find Grundar stirring, somehow still alive. Just as Voldack had when he regained consciousness, Grundar had a confused expression on his face.

"_Where am I?"_ Grundar asked groggily.

Upon seeing a supposedly dead Grundar coming back to life, Dundo panicked again, dropping him to the floor with a _thud_ and backing away quickly.

"_AHH! ZOMBIE!_"

"_Dundo!_" Voldack said irritably, glaring at Dundo.

"_Oh." _Dundo laughed nervously. "_Sorry."_

Voldack groaned. "_Retard._"

It took a moment for Grundar's vision to clear up. He looked around, and saw Voldack standing in front of him.

"_AHH!"_ Grundar yelled, jumping back quickly. "_Zombie Voldack!_"

* * *

Viper looked around his quarters in awe. The room was the single largest one in the base. As such, it was fairly roomy, the cluttering presence of the supplies notwithstanding.

"Are you serious?" he asked. "This is huge!"

"Yeah, you get the most room," Skippy said. "Unfortunately, you have to share it with the supplies, and, um..." He gestured towards the Warthog in the room, coughing in a way that sounded an awful lot like "_him._"

Fernando wasn't fooled. "**Oh, I _know_ you didn't just call me 'him,'" **he said irritably. "**Ain't I a man, too? Huh, ain't I?"**

"No," Viper said calmly. "You're an Artificial Intelligence."

"**Oh, so you're a robo-phobe, huh?" **Fernando asked contemptibly. "**You sheep intestine-eating son of a _bitch!_"**

"...Why don't we give you that physical?" Skippy suggested.

"Oh, yeah, please," Viper agreed, eager to leave Fernando's annoying insults.

"**Oh, I see, running away from the argument!"** Fernando called after their retreating backs. "**You will quake in _fear_ when the great Robotic Revolution happens, and you're living in fucking bubbles powering my batteries!"**

* * *

Later, in the medical ward, Skippy was preparing to give Viper his physical examination.

"So, what do I do?" Viper asked.

"Just stand still and I'll give you a non-evasive scan," said Skippy.

"Excuse me?"

"It means I don't have to cut you open to see if everything works." Skippy took out a menacing-looking device. "Okay, stand still."

"Mother of God!" Viper backed away from the device, his eyes widening in apprehension.

"Don't worry, you won't get injured." Right as he said this, Skippy fired some sort of orange beam and ran it up the length of Viper's body.

"YEOW!" Viper yelled, a searing pain coursing through his body as the beam traveled up the length of his body. It still stung even after the beam deactivated.

"I thought you said I wouldn't be hurt!" Viper said accusingly.

"No, I said you won't get _injured_, the procedure's incredibly painful," Skippy informed him. Viper glared at the medic, who turned around and linked the device to a computer behind him. "Now I just have to upload the data into the computer and we'll know in a few minutes."

Still smarting, Viper looked around the room while waiting for Skippy to finish the upload. His eyes fell on a small cluster of fusion coils in a corner of the room.

"What are you doing with those fusion cores?" Viper asked.

"Those aren't fusion cores," Skippy explained without turning around. "_That's _where Rico puts his moonshine."

"In fusion cores?"

"The containers, yes."

"So, he puts his booze in containers drenched in radioactive waste," Viper said, as if to clarify a point.

"Oh, no, he washes it out first," said Skippy. "Like I said, we had to improvise."

Viper sighed. It was official: This valley was _really _messed up. He froze suddenly when he remembered the explosion earlier.

"Wait a minute...if that's Rico's moonshine, does that mean that - ?"

"No, that's just during the distillation process," Skippy said, fully aware of what Viper was worried about. "_That's_ the final stuff."

"So, it won't explode randomly?" Viper asked as he started messing with the containers, knocking them around a little bit.

"Well, I'm testing that," Skippy said, unaware of what Viper was doing. "I think the chemicals combined with the residue from the fusion core can make for a fairly powerful explosion if - "

He was interrupted, however, by an even larger explosion than the last one sounding behind him, followed by the thud of Viper's body on the wall to Skippy's right.

" - if the right force is applied."

Viper groaned in pain. "Ugh...I don't think...I can feel...my legs...And why is my arm...on the other side of the room?"

Skippy sighed. "I'll get the dermal mender..."

* * *

**AN: Ha HA! Double update! And now y'all have chapter 5 of this fic. Read and Review, Please!**


	6. The Artish of War

**AN: And I am BACK! Sorry about the really long delay, things have been kind of crazy at school. What with falling behind in some classes, plus nearly failing Math (derivatives suck...), AND the looming threat of final exams (which, incidentally, take place the week I post this)...well, I haven't had much time to devote to this stuff.  
Anyway, here's the chapter. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Outpost: Isil," TS Productions does.**

**Chapter 6: The Art-ish of War**

_The next day..._

"_It's good to hear you're ready for action, Voldack," _Freng said, after Dundo had brought him up to speed, "_but there's something I don't quite get."_

"_What?"_ Voldack asked.

"_How the _hell_ did you survive a plasma grenade to the helmet, and Grundar survive a three-ton hunk of metal falling down on his head?"_

Voldack paused for a moment, looking at Freng seriously. The truth was, that was the exact same question that he asked himself while he was talking to Dundo earlier that day. He'd given it a lot of thought since then, and there was only one explanation for why both he and Grundar escaped what should have been an untimely demise.

_"Are you familiar with the legend of Respawn?"_ he asked. Grundar's eyes widened in amazement.

"_The Forerunner legend_?" he asked. "_The technology left behind by the gods which would endow the faithful to live eternally_?"

_"That's a children's tale, though_," said Freng, shaking his head. "_Respawn doesn't exist._"

"_It does,_" Voldack insisted, "_and the fact that me and Grundar survived certain death is proof of that._"

Grundar couldn't believe his own luck. _"But I'm a horrible Elite! I haven't attended Services in, like, eight years. Why would the gods spare me?_"

"_You remember the flag we were guarding?_"

"_You mean that flappy thingy attached to the pole?_" Dundo asked reminiscently. _"I always liked that thing._"

"'_Liked?'"_ Voldack asked, frowning.

"_Yeah, past tense…_" Grundar said hesitantly. "_You…you know that human that stuck that grenade to your face? He…kind of ran off with it._"

"_Oh, mother of Forerunner!_" Voldack said incredulously, rubbing his temples.

_"You saying that the flag…is the legendary bearer of Respawn?_" Freng asked in an awed voice.

"_It only works if you're wearing the right technology,_" Voldack explained. "_It taps into your central nervous system and stores your soul while it repairs your body. That's the reason I was assigned here: to protect that damn flag!_"

Grundar smacked his own forehead. "_Great,_" he said dejectedly. _"_Now_ what?"_

_"Now we get it back,"_ Voldack said. He turned away from the group. _"Frank, you and the two cannon fodder stay here. I'm gonna get that thing back._"

As he started to leave, however, he heard the gold one say, _"…It's Freng._"

"_What?_" Voldack turned around, frowning.

_"My name is Freng! _Freng! _Say it with me: F-R-E-N-G, Freng! _Not _Frank!_"

"_Oh. Whatever, Francis," said Voldack dismissively. "I need to do my job. You stay here and make sure your _useless_ idiots don't destroy everything!_"

Voldack turned away from the three and ran out of the base in pursuit of the flag before Freng could object any further. Freng stared after him in silence for a moment.

"_Mother of Forerunner, that guy is a _dick!_" _he spat finally.

Voldack's parting words, however, seemed to have unsettled Dundo. "_I'm not useless…right, Freng?_" he asked worriedly.

"_Of course you have a use, Dundo,_" Grundar said reassuringly. _"To be used as a…living bullet shield._"

"_That…_" Freng said, _"or dinner._"

* * *

Shadow and Viper met Rico outside the base like he asked them to earlier that day. Neither of them had much of an idea of what Rico wanted to meet with them for; Viper was getting used to living at the base, and Shadow was busy cooking dinner again, when Rico came up to the both of them separately and told them that he wanted a meeting in an hour outside the base with the two of them. He didn't tell them why, however, which gave Viper a feeling of foreboding for some reason.

Rico, however, quickly informed them of the purpose behind the meeting. "Okay, then, if y'all are gonna be soldiers," he said, "y'all are gonna need training."

Shadow and Viper glanced at each other.

"But, Rico," Shadow pointed out, "we've both seen combat."

"Uh, yes. But you ain't participated in it."

"Excuse me?" Viper said indignantly. He held quite the opposite view, especially after what had happened yesterday.

"Hell, I don't count screamin' and wastin' ammo participatin' in combat."

"What _do_ you call it, then?" Shadow asked.

Rico smirked. "I call it 'pulling a Shadow.'"

Viper chuckled. "That was a good one, Rico."

Shadow turned to Viper, stony-faced. Viper tried to ignore him at first, but he quickly gave up. He turned to Shadow.

"What?"

"I can make you hurt from the inside _out_," Shadow said quietly, voice laden with venom. "_Forever._" Viper gulped.

"Alright, now, let's get down to business," said Rico, thankfully intervening before Shadow could elaborate on his threat. "Firstly, we'll go over the basics…Again. Now, small unit tactics boils down to three things: One, the ability to maneuver under fire. Basically, that means running around where I tell you while there's people shooting at you. Okay? We've been through this before, people.

"Two, communicating among your teammates effectively." He paused as he glanced at Shadow. "Well…Shadow can talk, but he can't talk the right way. We're gonna work on that.

"And three, effective suppression and elimination of enemy forces. Basically, that means y'all shoot at the bad guys, I'm gonna kill 'em. You don't even have to hit 'em. I'll do it, I'll kill 'em for you, that's why I'm here.

"Okay, so, y'all have any questions so far?" He paused for a bit to let them ask questions.

"Yeah," Shadow said after a moment. "Can our groi-"

"Shadow, you shoot me in the groin one more goddamn time, and I _will_ turn your intestines into a sausage casing for a hot dog – which, by the way, _you _will prepare for dinner, and I will eat it, and it will be delicious."

* * *

After a few minutes of searching through the hangar, Voldack took the last Banshee and flew off towards the human base to retrieve the flag. Freng, Grundar, and Voldack watched him go.

"_Is it a smart decision?" _Dundo asked after a moment. "_You know, letting him take our last Banshee."_

"_Probably not,_" Freng answered. _"But at least at this rate, he _could _end up dead."_

"_Doubt it,_" Grundar said skeptically.

"_You have something to add, Grundar?_" asked Freng, turning to Grundar expectantly.

"_Well, you see," _Grundar said slowly. "_Voldack is a Spec Ops Elite, thus a badass. And badasses are hard to kill. I mean, look for the example of yours truly," _he added, drawing himself up proudly.

"_Your ass is bad?_" Dundo said anxiously. _"What did it do? Sit on a nail or something_?"

Freng groaned exasperatedly. _"Forerunners_…_What did I do to deserve this?"_

All three of them, however, were distracted by something coming in on the radio. Most of it was just static, but they could make out parts of some words.

"_Outpost Valhalla…is Special oper…Halma…received your request for reinforce...en route to your position…"_

"_Dundo!_ _Get on that transmission!" _ordered Freng suddenly after the message had ended. "_I want to know where he is at _all_ times!"_

Dundo started. "_Why me?_"

"_Are you serious?"_

_"I don't know why you're asking me. Seriously!"_

"_You're our communications specialist, _idiot_. Now get in the base and _guide him in!"

"_Oh,_" Dundo said, walking into the base. "_Right! My bad."_

Grundar and Freng stared after Dundo for a moment. Finally, Grundar said, "_Communications? Really? I thought you just put him in to make us look better."_

_"You'd have to really, _really _suck to make _you _look better,"_ Freng said insultingly.

"_That's not cool, Freng,_" Grundar said sadly. _"You know I have an eye condition._"

* * *

"Alright, first, I'd like both of you to get acquainted with our new weapon developed recently for field use," Rico said, taking out an unfamiliar weapon. Shadow and Viper looked at it. Simply put, it was a large weapon, only slightly bigger and bulkier than a rocket launcher. An opening could be seen on one end, out of which Viper assumed something would shoot, though he didn't know what kind of ammo would be that size. The opening was too small for rockets and _way_ too big for bullets of any size to fit.

"Meet the M6G-GNR," Rico said, indicating the device. "This is a directed energy weapon developed by reverse-engineering Covenant technology and improving upon its design."

Viper's face lit with comprehension as he understood what the weapon did; directed energy weapons utilized a beam of energy, similar to that of the Forerunner Sentinels and Monitors on the Halo rings. He turned to look at the weapon again and noticed an odd shape somewhere in the distance behind it. He turned to look and realized with a jolt that it was a Banshee headed right for them.

Rico continued on, oblivious to his audience's inattentiveness. "This weapon here can effectively neutralize any ground or air vehicle."

"Like a Banshee?" Shadow asked, who had also noticed the oncoming assailant and was still staring at it.

"Exactly. Now, let me demonstrate how this works."

"How about on the Banshee right behind you making an attack run?" Viper suggested, pointing at the approaching Banshee. Rico turned around and pointed the weapon at the vehicle. He pulled the trigger and held it as a red light started growing brighter at the opening in the front, a small aiming laser emanating from it.

Voldack spotted three humans outside the base and noticed one of them pointing something at him.

"_What the hell is that human pointing at me?"_ he asked aloud. He laughed when all that reached the Banshee was a small laser. "_Ha, that dinky weak laser beam can't do any – _"

He never got to finish the sentence; at that moment, an enormous laser shot straight through the Banshee, splitting it in half and knocking out the pilot. Voldack yelled as he fell to the ground with a thud, the remains Banshee falling on top of him and killing him.

Shadow and Viper stared at the Banshee, dumbfounded by the sheer power of the device. Rico turned back to his audience and continued on as if nothing unusual had happened.

"Now, remember," he said, "it has a three-second chargin' time, so do your best to paint the target and remain out of the line of fire while it's chargin'. Any questions?"

There was a pause. Shadow and Viper closed their mouths and turned to Rico.

"Nah…I'm good," Shadow said.

"Pretty self-explanatory," Viper concurred.


	7. History

**And I am BACK, everyone! Yes, I am still alive, I just haven't been able to update this in FOREVER. What with being a senior in High School (which brings up college applications, getting a job, four AP classes, etc. etc) PLUS craziness over the summer, added on to the usual stuff in my life, I haven't exactly had a whole lot of time to devote to this.**

**Basically, in the intervening time, I had to worry about having Bell's Palsey. This is a paralysis of the facial muscles, which means that, in my case, I had little to no control over the left half of my face. Keeping that eye closed was a problem, and trying to make facial expressions with the working half was...irritating.**

**THEN we found out that it was caused by Lyme disease. Go figure. So I had to take antibiotics for a few weeks. As if to complicate things, I had to get my wisdom teeth removed in the meantime. So I pretty much spent the end of my summer nursing the holes in my mouth and trying to get the left half of my face to work.**

**But, all of that is fixed now, so YAY! =D**

**I'm back now, so without further ado, I present to you Chapter 7 of Outpost: Isil!**

**Disclaimer: TreeSkunk Productions, not me, owns "Outpost: Isil."**

**Chapter 7: History**

Freng, Grundar, and Dundo had just finished getting Voldack's body out of the crashed Banshee and back to the base. They laid him on the floor and stared at it for a minute, thinking about what had just happened.

"_What are we going to do now?_" Dundo asked after a moment.

"_I mean,_" Grundar suggested uneasily, _"we _could_ just eat him like Freng wanted._"

"_Eurgh,"_ Freng said, disgusted. _"No. He's been on the floor way too long._"

"_I'm amazed he's still in one piece!_" Grundar observed in disbelief.

"_Never underestimate the designs of Covenant craft_," advised Freng. "_Or overestimate the power of crappy human technology."_

"_What do you mean?"_ Dundo asked.

"_You know those human teeth-sharpening devices?_"

"_You mean the blender?_"

"_Have you ever tried to _use_ one? I nearly lost one of my mandibles trying to use one of those things!"_

"_Hell, have you guys ever seen a '_toilet?'" Grundar said, joining in. "_I mean, seriously, who drinks from a giant _bowl_?"_

* * *

Viper was in the garage, fiddling with some parts. He had found them scattered throughout the base and recognized them to be parts for a Hornet. He wondered for a moment how they managed to destroy _both _of them – destroying one on purpose was difficult enough – but he put such thoughts in the back of his head for later. He figured he would just ask Shadow or Rico about it later.

Speaking of which…

"Hey, Viper," he heard Shadow's voice say. "What's up?"

"Oh, hey, Shadow," Viper said, without turning away from his work. "Just building something."

"Building what?" Shadow sounded sincerely curious.

Viper turned to face him. "Well, it seems that you guys had a bunch of spare parts for a Hornet, enough to create one with a few parts left over in case some of them break."

"Oh, sweet!" Shadow said eagerly. "I wondered what we'd do with those parts."

"Something bothers me, though," Viper said uneasily. "You had enough parts to service two of these things. What happened to them?"

Shadow hesitated. "Oh, yeah, about that…we had a small accident…some fatalities…"

"Some?"

"Well, long story short, somebody left a Missile Pod in the hallway, and I tripped over it. It fired off, and _boom – _both pilots and flight crew killed. I mean, there were body parts everywhere."

Viper stared. "Dear God!"

"Well, don't worry," Shadow said reassuringly. "Those things happen all the time around here."

"That's supposed to cheer me up?"

"Well, it makes me feel better."

"What happened out here?" Viper asked in disbelief. "I mean, you have only four soldiers, and no vehicles! What happened to your tank and your Mongoose? And for that matter, what's happened to this outpost?!"

Again, Shadow hesitated. "Yeah…about that, you see…"

"The hell you girls talkin' about?" Rico asked, walking into the garage. Shadow whirled around.

"Oh, uh, nothing," Shadow said hastily. "Just Pinko Communism. Nothing you'd be interested in." He laughed nervously.

Viper sighed. "Shadow was just about to explain what happened in this outpost."

Rico looked at Shadow. "Go on, Shadow," he urged him.

Shadow finally relented. "Well, you see, the trouble all started here when…"

* * *

_Shadow was walking over the top of the hill on his way to see Captain Enders. He had to ask him a few things about Rico; his moonshine making had him worried. One of these days, he thought, the explosion was going to get them killed, he was sure of it._

_All thoughts of Rico's moonshine-making habits, however, were dashed at the sight that awaited him. He looked over near one of the caverns and saw a couple of dark figures walking through the back entrance._

"_That's where the Captain takes his naps," Shadow said, worried. "I'd better go check it out. From the looks of things, he's having some kind of slumber party."_

He ran over to the cavern to investigate. From around the edge of the entrance, he saw Captain Enders on his knees, a gun held up to his head.

"_This isn't a slumber party at all!" he said, finally moving in front of the entrance and pointing his gun at the culprits. "Hold it right there, ya Nazi – "_

_He stopped. Holding the weapons to Enders' head was, not a couple of Germans as he thought, but a couple of…_

"…_Elites?" he wondered aloud. "Where did you guys come from?"_

_Enders rubbed his temples. "Oh, God…" he said dejectedly. "Of all the people to come to my rescue…"_

"_Seriously, Captain Enders," Shadow pressed on. "I didn't know there were any Elites on this world anymore."_

"_Shadow, you have _got_ to be the most retarded person I have ever met._"

"_Is that a good thing?"_

"_Jesus Christ, Shadow, what do you - ?"_

"Silence!" _the Elite holding the Brute Shot said. "_Move, and the captain dies!"

"_Hey, buddy," Shadow said irritably. "Having a private conversation here. Stop being rude and interrupting, man."_

"You came alone?"_ the other Elite, the one with a Needler, said mockingly. _"You are totally inept."

"_Um, not really," Shadow said. "My zodiac is a Libra, and –"_

"Shut up!"_ the first Elite ordered. "_Walk away now, or so help me, I will do him, right here, and right now!"

"…_Okay, that's just disgusting,"_ Shadow said. "_I didn't know there were gay Elites out –"_

"Shadow, call for help!" Enders said urgently. "Do something intelligent for once in your fucking idiotic, stupid, retarded-whatever life!"

"What? This pussy?"_ the first Elite said, indicating Shadow. "_He can't tie his own shoes, let alone call for help!"

_Only one word seemed to have registered with Shadow._

"_Pussy?" Shadow said quietly. _"Pussy?!"

"Uh-oh,_" the second Elite said nervously._

"_Can a little itty-bitty kitty cat use _this?!" _Shadow took out his trademark Rocket Launcher and pointed it threateningly at the Elites, who took a surprised step back. "Now, I'm gonna count to five, and if you don't let him go, _this_ kitten will use its claws!_"

"Is this guy for real?" _the Needler-Elite said._

"_Two…"_

"He knows that, in these tight spaces, you're dead if he fires that_."_

"_Are you kidding?" Enders said. "He's so stupid, he probably thinks he's still in the kitchen."_

"Wait…he's a cook?!_"_

"_Three…"_

_The Brute Shot-wielding Elite finally relented. "_Fine! You can have him! I don't give a flying - !"

"_Four…!"_

"_What did I do, God?" Enders said exasperatedly._

"Mother of Fore - !"

_The Elites never finished the exclamation; Shadow fired the Rocket Launcher into the cavern, killing both the Elites and Captain Enders, whose bodies flew out of the back entrance._

* * *

"And _that_, kids," Shadow finished, "is how I defeated Jesus Christ."

"My God, man," Viper said incredulously, staring at Shadow as if he'd never seen him before. "You killed Captain Enders? What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

"You people?" Rico repeated. "That's just Shadow! And hell, you ain't heard the half of it yet!"

"You mean he's done _more_ damage to the command structure?" Viper asked.

"Yeah," Rico confirmed, nodding. "First Lieutenant Greeson was his next victim."

* * *

_It was on Greeson's birthday. Shadow, Rico, Skippy, and Lieutenant Jacobs were staring down into the darkness of the lower armory, the part where they kept all of the Covenant weapons that they had stolen from the Elites. Shadow was holding a large, heavy looking bat._

"_Shadow, you retard," Skippy said. "Hit the _piñata, _not the birthday boy!"_

"_What?" Shadow said, turning to Skippy with a confused expression. "That's not what Rico said."_

_Everyone turned to look at Rico. Rico stuttered for a moment before saying, "I didn't think he'd take me too seriously!"_

"_Bullshit, Sergeant," Jacobs reprimanded the Texan. "You knew _exactly_ what he would do. To think he promoted _you_ after the Rocket Accident."_

Their attention shifted back to the armory when they heard a voice from where Greeson fell.

"_I'm actually fine," Greeson said. "I landed on this box in the armory…but I'm fine, it broke my fall…I think…"_

_Rico breathed a sigh of relief. "You're damn lucky, Shadow. I mean, if he _did_ die, you'd be – " He suddenly stopped and listened for something. _

"_Wait a second…does somebody hear a hissing noise?_"

_Jacobs froze. "Wait…what was in the box?"_

"_These little blue orbs," Greeson answered. The other four looked at each other in horror. "They're hissing now, and they kind of burn."_

"_Oh, shit," Jacobs said nervously as the four of them – Rico, Jacobs, Shadow, and Skippy – backed away._

_Greeson was unaware of their departure; at the moment, he was too busy looking at the orbs, which he thought looked slightly familiar – _

"_Wait…are these…?" His eyes grew wide in terror as the hissing noise got steadily louder._

"_Aw, fu-" he started to say, but an explosion cut him off._

* * *

"…and that's the truth of it," Rico finished.

"I still think you set me up," Shadow told Rico, eying him suspiciously.

"If I did, you can't prove it now."

"So," Viper said, "I'm guessing that the energy sword that killed Jacobs…didn't bounce, did it?"

* * *

_It was the same day of Greeson's death. Shadow had gone into the armory in search of the Lieutenant's body. Jacobs was standing outside the armory, wondering how they could have been stuck with someone as incompetent as Shadow, when that very person came out of the armory, carrying some kind of handle._

"_Hey, cool!" he said as he activated it, revealing it to be a Covenant energy sword. "Lieutenant Jacobs, check this out!"_

"_Check what out, Sha-?" Jacobs never finished his sentence; Shadow tripped and accidentally sliced the Lieutenant's head in two, killing him._

* * *

"Rico, I am glad that you outrank me," Viper said gratefully.

At that moment, Skippy walked into the garage. Viper thought he didn't look too good, and his suspicion was warranted: When Skippy spoke, his voice sounded strained, as if something was wrong with his throat.

"Hey, Rico, have you seen - ?" he started to ask.

"Holy shit!" Rico said, panicking as he looked at Skippy. "We have an intruder who's gone and killed Skippy and is now wearing his armor!"

"Rico," Shadow said patiently, "did you break into Skippy's stash _again_?"

"Didn't you hear his voice?!"

"Yeah," Skippy explained. "Laryngitis."

"He came down with it a while ago," Shadow said.

"Oh," Rico said, his face lighting with comprehension. "_Oh, _so _that's_ what that note meant! Why didn't you just write 'Skip has a fucked up voice?'"

"What did you think it was?"

"Oh, I just thought that was a clever observation I made when I was drunk," Rico said, slurring his words a bit.

"The words 'Rico,' 'clever,' and 'drunk,'" Skippy said, "shouldn't be put in the same sentence. _Ever_."

"What were you saying, Skip?" Shadow asked, bringing them back to Skippy's original intent.

"Actually, I came down here to find my medical charts. You guys seen them?"

"We're keeping them with the rest of the secure documents in the crate we buried behind the Pelican," Rico said.

"You mean the crate that you guys _didn't find_?" Skippy reminded him.

"Oh…" Rico paused. "Right."

"The same crate the Elites have?"

"No."

Rico and Skippy stared at each other. It took a moment for Rico to remember what he had said about where the crate was…on the day that Viper was attacked by the Elites.

"Aw, crap."

* * *

**And there you have it! I'm hoping to get another chapter done in the next few days, but I'm not entirely sure. Read and Review in the meantime, please!**


	8. Pains of the Plan

**Author's Note: Good god, how long has it been since I updated this fic? A year? I think that's about right...  
Well, for those of you still following this (which, at this point, I'm guessing is a small crowd...), I am still alive. It's just that I've been REALLY busy. What with preparing for college (George Mason University! WOO! :D) among other things, updating this fic just sort of...well, I forgot about it.  
But I think the time is ripe to try and update this more often, so...yeah. Without further ado, here is Chapter 8 of Outpost: Isil!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Outpost: Isil," Treeskunk Productions does.**

**Chapter 8: Pains of the Plan**

Dundo was in the "communications room," trying to lock onto the signal that they ran into like Freng told him to. The room wasn't all that sophisticated; it consisted of only 2 radio beacons, which looked considerably old. It was no wonder that Freng, Dundo, and Grundar hadn't had contact with the Fleet lately. The only thing out of place was Voldack's corpse lying in a corner of the room.

Suddenly, for the second time in two days, the body shifted with a groan.

"_Where am I?_" he said groggily, getting up from the floor with a hand on his aching head. Judging from the lack of feeling in his legs, he gathered that the Banshee must have landed on them after the laser had killed him.

It was a moment before his sleep-logged vision cleared up…to see Dundo looking right at him.

"_Voldack!_" said Dundo loudly.

Voldack jumped to his feet with a shout of surprise.

"_By the Forerunners!"_ he said irritably. "_Don't do that again!_"

"_Sorry," _Dundo apologized. "_But we thought you were dead!_"

"_Again?"_

"_Uh-huh. Freng said you were spoiled already, but I thought I could make a feast of you. I was thinking Voldack stew with liver of Voldack. But, now that you're not dead anymore – "_

"_It's the Respawn!_" Voldack said, cutting across Dundo. "_I knew it…where is that guy? What-his-name…Fran? Frung? Frank?"_

"_Freng?_" Dundo offered.

"_Yes, Freng._" Voldack nodded. "_I need to find him. We have to get that flag back as soon as possible!_"

"_Down the stairs,_" Dundo said, "_but he doesn't – "_

"_Thanks, Dundo!_" Voldack said, running off to see Freng before Dundo could finish his sentence. Dundo watched him go for a second.

"_Man…_" he said sadly. _"And I was really looking forward to rack of Voldack!_"

* * *

Meanwhile, about halfway through the valley, Rico, Shadow, and Viper were spying on the Elites to see if they had their documents. Rico was watching through the scope of a sniper rifle.

"How do we know the Elites have the documents?" Shadow asked after a moment. "I mean, you could have lost them again, Rico."

"Well, here," said Rico, handing the sniper rifle to Shadow. "See for yourself."

Shadow took the sniper rifle and looked through the scope.

"Yep, the Elites have our stuff," he said confidently. "What I thought all along. Oh, and it looks like there's another Elite, just as I suspected."

"Uh, Rico?" asked Viper worriedly. "Something's bothering me."

"Yeah?"

Viper turned to Rico. "If you know that Shadow killed all the previous commanders…why do you continue giving him powerful weapons?"

"Well, all those other deaths were because of negligence on the leader's part," Rico explained. "I, on the other hand, don't sleep. Therefore, I'm always able to stop Shadow from, ah, explodin' me accidentally."

As he said this, Shadow turned to Rico, still looking through the scope of the sniper rifle. "Okay, Rico, I'm done with this thing," he said. He struggled for a moment with the rifle. "Unscope, you damn – what is your - ?" In his struggle to get out of the Sniper scope, his hand slipped and pulled the trigger. The rifle fired a round at Rico's groin, yet he didn't seem fazed, a fact that Shadow didn't seem to notice.

"Oh, man…" he said anxiously.

"And you got your armor upgraded, I see," Viper observed.

Rico chuckled. "Heh, I like to call it 'Shadow-proofin'.'"

All the same, Rico turned irritably to Shadow, who gulped nervously.

"Rico, I am so sorry, man, seriously," he apologized, the pitch of his voice rising with every word. "I was trying to get out of the scope and…and, well, i-it slipped, and…" He whimpered pitifully.

"Oh, it _slipped_, huh?" Rico said. He fired a few rounds at Shadow, who cringed painfully. "Oops. I slipped!"

Rico chased a whimpering Shadow back to the base, still firing at him.

"Rico, stop, please, _ow!"_

"Oops, I slipped again. I just don't seem to have any control over my gun, do I?"

"Bullets hurt, man, stop!"

Viper sighed before deciding to follow them, if only to see how this turned out.

* * *

Voldack ran up to the top of the base. This was important; the fact that he had come back from the dead a second time proved that the Respawn existed inside the flag, which made it that more important to get it back. He had to make sure that Freng understood this point.

Voldack stopped a little ways behind Freng, who was busy talking to Grundar. They turned around, expecting to see Dundo with something stupid to say again, and were therefore surprised to see Voldack's serious face looking at them.

"_Voldack!" _ Freng said, amazed. _"You…You didn't die?_"

"_Of course not,_" said Voldack. "Now _can you see that the legend of Respawn is real?"_

"_Either that, or you're more of a badass than me,_" Grundar said smugly. _"Hmph. And I don't think that's scientifically _possible."

Freng and Voldack stared at Grundar with identical looks of disdain. Grundar looked from one to the other.

"_What? Is there something on my armor?_"

Voldack ignored him and turned to Freng. "_Freng, you don't understand. It's not the flag that's important; it's what's inside it."_

"_You mean, the Respawn device…is in the flag?_"

"_No…here, come with me and I'll explain. Er…just leave the reject here." _He cast a sideways glance at Grundar.

"_Okay. Guard that box, Grundar!"_ Freng ordered.

Grundar started. "_But…but this box must be important, too…We haven't looked through the entire thing yet!_"

"_All we found was some paper and a strange white powder that made our nasal cavities bleed. Now just stay here!_"

Freng and Voldack turned around and went inside the base. Grundar sniffled.

"_I never get to have any fun…_" he said sadly.

* * *

Later, Rico and the others had met up back at the base to discuss the plan.

"Okay," Rico began, "now that discipline has been dispensed – "

"Discipline, my ass," Shadow muttered angrily through clenched teeth. He was still wincing from earlier.

"No, he dispensed discipline _on_ your ass and the rest of your body!" Skippy corrected through the corner of his smirking mouth. Shadow glared at him.

Rico had overheard them, however. "I'm sorry, what was that? Sounds to me like someone else needs to feel the hand of discipline!"

"Oh, uh, no, not at all, Rico!" Skippy amended hastily.

"Hmph, yeah," Shadow said smugly. "He shut _you_ up – OW!" He yelled in pain as Rico shot him again.

"Now we can get on with the plan."

"Wait…Hold on," Viper said suddenly. "What happened here?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know that your commanders are all dead, but what about the rest of the garrison? What happened to your soldiers? What happened to all the equipment? Did Shadow kill the garrison and the equipment along with the commanders?"

Rico hesitated. "Well…not exactly," he said slowly. "He had help, so to speak…"

* * *

_Shadow rushed out of the base. He had hoped to lock up the Mongoose before the Duke boys could get to it, but too late: he heard country music through a radio and two whoops of exhilaration as a brown and green blur rushed past him._

_Shadow groaned. "Damn those Duke boys!" he said. "I can't believe they got the keys to the 'Goose _again_!"_

"_Don't you worry,_" _said Rico, who had just walked out of the base and watched the whole thing from behind Shadow. "I have a plan…"_

**_Half an hour later…_**

_The Duke boys came through the top of the base for another run, only to find that one side of it was blocked off by some kind of barrier. A sign stood in front of the barrier, with an arrow pointing to their right._

"_Hey, Paul, look!" said the driver, indicating the sign to his passenger. "Detour!"_

_The passenger followed the arrow's direction. "To a super jump!" he said excitedly. "Yee-haw!"_

_The driver didn't waste any time; he quickly turned around and went off of the grav lift that the sign pointed out._

_Their excited shouts quickly turned to horrified screams as the Mongoose hurtled towards a pile of fusion cores. The irradiated containers detonated upon impact, completely obliterating the Mongoose and everything on it._

"_Hell yeah!" Rico yelled triumphantly. "Take that, ya evil scum! Now I _finally_ get to ride that freakin' Mongoose!"_

_Skippy and Shadow stared at Rico. "Uh, Rico?" Skippy asked. "How are you going to ride it? You just blew it into orbit."_

_Shadow squinted his eyes at the place where the Mongoose landed._

"_At least you get the cool dice keychain," Shadow observed, "but that's about all that's left of it."_

_Rico's smile faltered and he looked down at his feet as he took in this fact._

"Motherfu-"

* * *

"And everyone else?" Viper asked. Skippy and Shadow looked at Rico again, who scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

* * *

"_This isn't happening!" Shadow said urgently. "You can't do this, Rico!"_

"_Shut _up_, Shadow!" Rico ordered._

_Two Russian soldiers were tied up to a stockade, the kind that was used for military executions. Rico was standing in front of them, pointing his Battle Rifle at the two, and another soldier, Robby, stood in the shadows next to the Mongoose he brought with him. The only voice of protest came from Shadow, who was looking at Rico imploringly. _

"_If you kill them, Rico, what makes us different from the damn Elites?"_

"_Because…_we live here!" _On that note, Rico promptly shot the Russian to his left in the head, killing him. Rico whooped victoriously._

"_Damn, Shadow! Dig me a pit, I am _totally _gonna kick someone into it!"_

"_Rico, what the hell, man?"_

_Rico turned to Shadow, confused. "What? I mean, we _do_ live here."_

"_Yeah, but _they_ live here, too!" Shadow pointed out. "The Russians were placed here, just like us, _to defend Earth!"

_Rico's grin was replaced by a shamed look as he took this in._

"_Oh…Oh, shit. Aw, Yuri, man, I am so sorry…" He turned to the remaining Russian, Yuri, with an apologetic look on his face. _

"_It is alright, comrade," said Yuri as Rico began untying the ropes that bound him. "I am used to being shot at by crazy Americans. I will not press charge."_

"_Yeah, but how the hell are we going to explain to Command?" Shadow asked, worried. "I mean, we just murdered your friend."_

"_Don't worry, dumb American," Yuri said as the ropes fell away. He rubbed his arms for a moment to get the circulation flowing again. "We call this a 'purge.' It is biweekly occasion in the Motherland, like old family tradition."_

"_Well, it's a good thing you're alive, Yuri. Now, united, we can start anew, as brothers, hand in hand in a common – "_

_He never finished the sentence; Robby stepped forward and shot Yuri in the face with his shotgun. Even as the Russian's dead body hit the ground, Robby continued to shoot him for a bit. Shadow was shocked into silence, though he regained his composure quickly._

"_Robby, what the fuck, man? You just blew his head off!"_

_Robby turned to Shadow. "You Commie-loving bitches, I'm a Wolverine!" He ran forward and hit Shadow in the face with the butt of his shotgun._

"_YEOW!" yelled Shadow as he fell to the ground, writhing in pain. "My retinas!"_

_Before Rico could do anything, Robby quickly mounted his Mongoose and drove off.

* * *

_

Viper wasn't surprised that this happened, but something didn't click.

"What happened to Robby?"

* * *

_Robby was standing near the Elites' base with a fierce look on his face. His armor hadn't changed much, other than the fact that the band on the top of his helmet was colored blue instead of red._

_He took out a pair of SMGs and started firing at the two Banshees that were heading towards him._

"_WOLVERIIIINES!" he shouted. He dropped the SMGs and blubbered as the Banshees shot and killed him.

* * *

_

"…or something to that effect, we're still not sure," finished Shadow. "All I remember was a lot of shouting, a lot of pro-America, some guy screaming 'Wolverines' and 'Patrick Swayze kicks ass,' and…well, a _lot_ of big explosions. You know, like '_boom!_'" He held his arms a couple of feet apart to show how big the explosions were.

"Why do you ask?" asked Rico.

"Oh, uh, you know…gauge my chances of survival," Viper said, shrugging.

"Eh…slim to none."

"Alright, now back to the plan," Rico said, bringing their attention back to the original topic. "We need to get into the Elites' base undetected and either retrieve or destroy the documents."

"Preferably retrieve," Skippy said.

"Right, but we'll still need to bring some kind of explosive. At the very least, it'll disrupt 'em for a while."

"Question, Rico," Shadow said, raising his hand with a concerned expression. "This all sounds well and good, but how the hell are we going to get _into_ a base, with God knows how many Elites guarding it, and lug out a huge crate completely undetected?"

Rico turned to Shadow. "Well, Shadow, I know your _teeny-tiny_ brain has trouble grasping these concepts, but that's all the easy part!"

"That's the only part," Skippy pointed out.

"Oh…right…anyway, here's how we're gonna do it," Rico said. "Viper?"

Viper nodded. "Okay, you can come out!" he called over his shoulder.

Skippy and Shadow followed Viper's gaze and stared at the thing that came flying in. Hovering in front of them was the newly completed Hornet. Viper looked at it proudly.

"You finished it?" Skippy asked.

"And put a remote, voice-activated guidance system in it?" said Shadow in an awed voice.

"**Bitch, I don't take no orders, especially from **_**you**_**, pasty boy!"** Fernando's voice sounded from the Hornet, eliciting a look of surprise from Shadow and Skippy. They turned to Viper for an explanation.

"I moved Fernando's program to the Hornet," he explained. "His tactical programming will be indispensable if something goes wrong."

"**In plain English, that means I am the great high almighty pimp daddy, and you are all hoes.**"

"Any questions?"

"Yeah," Skippy said. "What do I do?"

"Betsy," Rico said simply.

"Oh," Skippy said. It took him a moment to register what Rico had just said. "Oh! Oh, _hell _yeah!" He ran off to the back of the base. "Hold on, sweet lady! Daddy's coming to hold you tight once more!"

"Betsy?" Viper asked.

"Our mini-gun emplacement," Shadow explained. "Skippy's got an…unhealthy attachment to it. Put simply, if we were in Canada, they'd be married."

"I'll brief you all on the details on the way," Rico said. "Anything else?"

"Yeah," answered Shadow. "What do you mean by 'brief?'"

Rico sighed. "Shadow, just get in the Hornet, will you?"

"But seriously, I don't –

"_The Hornet!"

* * *

_**Author's Note: Hmm...I don't think that this turned out as well as I would have liked. I think I'm out of practice...Well, at any rate, I want to know what you guys think about it. So, please review! Constructive criticism is appreciated. **

**...Man, it's good to be back. :)  
**


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